THE SENSATIONAL HALF-BOY OF HEATON NORRIS

(ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF DEBRIEFING SESSION)

PROZAC: I'm positive that this is an alien/human hybrid, Sertraline. No human could survive in that state. I wonder what evil, enslaving-of-the-human-race-type plan the green-blooded freaks have for us, now.
SERTRALINE: Not so fast, Prozac. Things may not be as they so simply appear. In the late sixties and early seventies furniture manufacturers in the UK used as part of their manufacturing process a chemical compound Chloro-Ethyl-Tri-Keratin, or CE3K. This compound was used as both a waterproofing barrier and a flame retardant coating to make soft-furnishings both functional and safe. Within months of the first furniture coated with the wonder chemical rolling off the production line reports began coming in of people vanishing from their own living rooms only to re-appear moments later when their name was called and with no memory of having vanished. Quite the contrary in fact, the victims all swore that they had been present constantly and were aware of their families' apparent inability to see them. The rising number of cases all bore a remarkable similarity to one another but they were spread across the country and across a number of police jurisdictions so they were not seen immediately for what they actually were: a recurrences of the same phenomena.
PROZAC: But couldn't that also be proof positive of an alien conspiracy. The disinformation and lack of communication between the major law enforcing agencies is a pretty far-fetched concept, Sertraline. You must admit that?
SERTRALINE: Agreed, Prozac. However, to quote Sherlock Holmes, "Once you've eliminated the impossible, that which remains, however improbable, must be the truth." The link to the furniture was finally made by an employee of a law enforcement agency. An astute detective, and lover of sofas, named Dave Williams noticed that all the families in which the phenomena occurred had only recently bought a three-piece lounge suite. Further investigation revealed that all the furniture had emanated from the same factory and that it had all been treated with CE3K. Laboratory tests revealed that when the a piece of furniture coated with CE3K was placed within a one yard radius of a normal household gas fire on high setting the chemical reacted with the heat to produce a gas that absorbed light. Colourless and odourless the gas enveloped anyone sitting on the furniture until they seemed, to any bystanders, to have disappeared. They were, of course still there which explained the subjects' own experiences of being present at all times whilst being invisible to their families.
The treated furniture was recalled, CE3K was taken off the open market and made subject to a restrictive patent held by the U.S. Government. It may, of course, be pure coincidence but it was shortly thereafter that stealth technology was unveiled. But that's another story........
GENERAL MALAISE: But this particular photograph looks just like two exposures - one of an empty settee, and the other of a boy sat down but with the bottom half of the lens covered so that the original exposure, that of the empty settee, shows through.
PROZAC & SERTRALINE: (Silence, broken only by a couple of heavy sighs. Sound of chins being scratched. Couple of coughs.) Oh, bollocks!

X-PLAIN THE INCREDIBLE LEMON-SUCKING BOY OF BRINNINGTON X-PLAIN THE LIGHT-HEADED PLONKER OF PORTWOOD X-PLAIN THE FANTASTIC FLOATING KID OF ROMILEY
X-PLAIN THE LARGER THAN LIFE SPROG OF LYME HALL X-PLAIN THE AMAZING X-RAY EYES MAN OF EDGELEY X-PLAIN THE WITH-CHILD CHILD OF CHEADLE
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