THE WITH-CHILD CHILD OF CHEADLE
(ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF DEBRIEFING SESSION)
PROZAC: Get out of this one, book-learning dude! This one has to be an alien/human hybrid. Pregnant kids from council estates aren't exactly common, you know!
SERTRALINE: An irony-bypass top of your Christmas Pressie list then, eh, Prozac? This is, actually, a perfect example of a problem that is often referred to but rarely seen.
Do you remember when you were a kid, Prozac and you bought chewing gum. You would chew the gum for a while then, when you were tired of it you would swallow it. Sure you did, we all did. Well, this specimen is the consequence of just such a thoughtless and carefree action. Where gum is habitually chewed and swallowed rather than being spat out it retains its adhesive qualities and attaches itself to the wall of the large intestine. As more gum is swallowed this, in turn, attaches itself to the existing gum "limpet". As time passes the attachment agglomerates and grows until it fills and completely blocks the lower intestine to the extent that the sufferer is unable to defecate and begins inexorably to swell out until the back pressure and the inevitable build up of intestinal gases cause the sufferer to burst apart. As there is a concentration of gases like methane in the lower intestine an explosion frequently accompanies this rupture and the charred remnants of a human being are all that are left. There are some that believe that this is the true solution to the mystery of Spontaneous Human Combustion.
PROZAC: Hah! Nice try, Sertraline. But have you never heard of alien death rays?
SERTRALINE: Only on Cable, Prozac! The answer to this particular enigma has caused me to readdress the picture of the boy apparently suffering from exodentia. There may be an alternative answer to what has happened to him. Is it possible to establish from the photograph whether there has been a recent shift in wind direction? Get back to me on that one, Prozac.
GENERAL MALAISE: When I was a Grunt at Parris Island, we used to wile away the long hours between battle-practice by shoving pillows up our jumpers and pretending to be women. Come on, don't look like that. It goes on everywhere, doesn't it?
PROZAC & SERTRALINE: (Couple of coughs. Pause......) Like a kipper!
|X-PLAIN THE INCREDIBLE LEMON-SUCKING BOY OF BRINNINGTON||X-PLAIN THE LIGHT-HEADED PLONKER OF PORTWOOD||X-PLAIN THE FANTASTIC FLOATING KID OF ROMILEY|
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