THE AMAZING X-RAY EYES MAN OF EDGELEY

(ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF DEBRIEFING SESSION)

PROZAC: This guy has to be an alien/human hybrid, Sertraline. You have to admit that finding him working in a government office rules out many aspects of what is regarded as human?
SERTRALINE: That did have me thinking long and hard, Prozac. But, frankly, the idea that faceless automatons are busily drafting rules and regulations, filing papers endlessly, poking into the details and minutiaeof our lives and remaining forever in office no matter which government holds power is preposterous. Once again, Prozac, I'm afraid that there is nothing sinister behind this photograph other than a known medical condition. I came across the symptoms many times as a medical intern with the airforce where it is commonplace, in fact the great majority of sufferers are jet-fighter pilots. When pilots take high-speed aircraft into either a fast climb or descent their bodies are subject to gravitational forces, or G-Stress, at much higher levels than they are accustomed to. Pressure suits limit the effects on the body but we have so far been unable to produce any effective protection for the face, which must, by necessity, remain exposed. Under the effect of the gravitational stress blood vessels within the eye balls burst and blood leaks into the aqueous humour; continued gravitational influence though the climb or fall forces the escaped blood to stream backwards and spread outwards leaving the characteristic pattern that you can see in the photograph. A side-effect of the condition is that the eyes themselves become weakened, necessitating the wearing of exceptionally strong corrective lenses which, because of their magnifying power, only serve to accentuate the physical appearance of the condition.
As for the picture, I have seen this before and it is of one of the few sufferers of the condition who is not a jet-pilot but suffered the damage whilst taking place in repetitive rapid descents of an altogether different type. He is actually Seamus O'Palmer, the Irish holder of the world record for roller coaster riding, which he won last summer on the Big One at Blackpool, England. Seamus spent six months riding the Big One to win the title, which unfortunately cost him over a million pounds to achieve as he had not publicised his record breaking attempt and was forced to get off the coaster at the end of every circuit and pay for his next trip.
GENERAL MALAISE: It looks uncannily like a pair of joke glasses to me.
PROZAC & SERTRALINE: (Sound of sharp intake of breath. Pause...... Indistinct murmuring.) SHIT!

X-PLAIN THE INCREDIBLE LEMON-SUCKING BOY OF BRINNINGTON X-PLAIN THE LIGHT-HEADED PLONKER OF PORTWOOD X-PLAIN THE FANTASTIC FLOATING KID OF ROMILEY
X-PLAIN THE SENSATIONAL HALF-BOY OF HEATON NORRIS X-PLAIN THE LARGER THAN LIFE SPROG OF LYME HALL X-PLAIN THE WITH-CHILD CHILD OF CHEADLE
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