(THE CHOIRBOYS' FRIEND)
TALLYWHACKER'S RIGHT-HAND MAN - BIFF W. HECKMONDWYER - SAYS A FEW WORDS TO SAVE YOUR SOUL FROM HELL-FIRE AND DAMNATION.
Fellow Citizens, Brothers and Sisters, Patriots,
Have you ever thought what it would be like in this world we hold so dear and commie-free, if Lucifer defeated our Lord, Jesus Christ?
Much as the thought shakes the very foundations of liberty, freedom and democracy, it's one we must come to terms with if we're to remain ever vigilant against the tide of undemocratic, apple-pie-hatin' sons-a-bitches who would undermine this great country of ours and bring about the end of the world as we know it - that is, full of people doing anything they like and treading on dangerous ground by thinking for themselves instead of being guided by THE WORD.
Here at The Reverend Richard Tallywhacker PLC's Headquarters, we'd like to extend to you, personally, a special pledge from Dick Tallywhacker himself.
You've given so much in the past, but with a little extra help the Reverend can do so much more.
|For 50 dollars you could help to save a soul.||For 100 dollars you could help to maim Satan. Yes, that's right! For a donation of 100 dollars, all major credit and debit cards accepted, the Reverend personally guarantees to fight Satan on your behalf.||For a donation of 200 dollars, the Reverend will actually tape record the struggle with Lucifer the Taker of Souls and Lord of Lies. You heard it here! For a measly 200 dollars you could be personally responsible for giving the Lord of Lies a beating he won't forget in a hurry.|
But wait, there's more!
|If you pledge 500 dollars the Reverend Richard Tallywhacker promises that you could be present at the signing of a contract on Beelzebub. PLUS!!! For that same 500 dollars the brave and indomitable Reverend will personally direct a home video of himself in deathly combat with Beelzebub, complete with DolbyTM Stereo, special 'Making of The Wicked Whacked' documentary footage, and a DVD with the Director's cut.||Yes, you could tell all your friends it was you who helped to clip Lucifer! In gratitude for your donation, Rev. Tallywhacker himself will personally send you a scroll, in his capacity of being the earthly agent of Our Lord Jesus Christ, which details your name, donations and denomination.||You'll be the talk of your
neighbourhood and the envy of all your friends. Just
imagine the conversations when people's attention is
drawn to the scroll, decorated with the Tallwhacker's
Army of Cherub's own trademarked livery.
You'll be able to tell your children that you were there and lent a helping hand to rid the universe of the Serpent.
And there's even more!
|If you reply within 14 days you'll receive a signed portrait of The Reverend Richard Tallwhacker himself.||A small facsimile is attached below as a gesture of goodwill and proof that the Reverend's word truly is his bond.||Whatever your decision, the attached facsimile is yours to keep. Just think, though, what respect from your contemporaries you'd demand when you can honestly say a signed portrait is in your possession and you didn't have to sign in blood to get it!|
|Be the envy of your peers.
Just imagine their jealousy when they realise that you've
got a few steps up the ladder to heaven by merely parting
Act fast. Sign now and you soon could be the envy of your fellow churchgoers.
|Furthermore, fellow Baal-bashers, attach a BIFF THE BISHOP sticker to your reply envelope and you'll receive a solid plastic key-fob with the legend "I LOVE DICK" inscribed in real lettering. Again, yours, to keep whatever your decision.|
Remember, Brothers and Sisters, with your help, We're gonna heal. Show that fiend Mammon how much you despise him by casting him out into the reaches of our saviour Dick Tallywhacker.
God bless the Reverend.
Yours in Mammon-bashing reverence,
Pastor Biff W. Heckmondwyer.
MATh; BD; BA (Theol); BASW; KKK; CDM.
THE PASTOR BIFF W. HECKMONDWYER IS A FREELANCE CLERGYMAN IN THE CHURCH OF OUR LADY OF THE POISONED CHALICE.
HE ALSO SITS ON THE BOARD OF MANY OTHER, FINE, LUCIFER-HATING INSTITUTES.
IN THE NEVER-ENDING FIGHT AGAINST EVIL, TYRANNY AND WRONGDOING, HE OWNS, FOR THE SAKE OF ALL GOOD SOULS EVERYWHERE, HECKMONDWYER ORDNANCE - A NON-PROFIT MAKING ORGANISATION DEDICATED TO THE OVERTHROW OF SATAN, HIS FOLLOWERS, AND ANY POTENTIAL COMMIE GOVERNMENT WHO SUPPORTS ANYTHING THE REVEREND RICHARD TALLYWHACKER DESPISES.
BIFF IS AVAILABLE FOR CHRISTENINGS, WEDDINGS, FUNERALS AND THE OCCASIONAL EXORCISM.
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