UPDATED - 08/12/03
OUR ON-THE-SPOT REPORTER WATSON WIRELESS IS AT THE SCENE
(08/12/03) SKYDIVER DEATH - POLICE FAIL TO PROVIDE GRIEVING PARENTS WITH ANSWERS SCANDAL.
The grieving parents of an innocent skydiver who died after his main and reserve parachutes were deliberately tampered with have appealed to the general public yet again.
The main thrust of their heartbreaking appeal led observers to question the tactics of police when dealing with sensitive family bereavement issues.
The parents, still obviously deeply upset, told the assembled photographers, film crew and reporters that they still didn't know why their son had died.
It was left to a diplomatic Chief Superintendent, specially trained in such matters, to gently explain that, "...hitting the ground at a fair old fucking lick..." was almost certainly a major contributing factor.
And they say the boys in blue haven't progressed...
(14/9/03) JENNIFER LOPEZ AND BEN AFFLECK IN SATANIC RITES, BLACK MAGIC CURSED MARRIAGE SHOCKER.
Since it was revealed that Lopez and Affleck's marriage arrangements were put on hold after a warning from Lopez's 'aisle guru', Merle Gonzalez, other psychics have put their spiritual shoulder to the celestial wheel (!).
Surmising that Lopez may be a tad gullible, unlike the vast majority of celebrities, mystical elements of the Site For Sore Eyes team have been brought to the fore.
PROZAC-IO THE PECULIAR, whose inexplicable gifts have astounded the hemisphere (the right-hand cerebral one) has predicted a cataclysmic series of events that will bring Armageddon closer than ever on a Saturday evening very soon (just after Casualty).
He has written to Jennifer Lopez and pleaded with her to save the world. This, he assures her and the rest of humanity, can be accomplished by Lopez dressing up in a very skimpy maid's uniform, waiting round the corner from his house until Mrs. PROZAC-IO goes out to sell pegs, and delighting him with pleasures of the oral persuasion.
If it works you'll be the first to know....
(6/4/03) ONE-EYED, MORBIDLY-OBESE, HOOK-HANDED, SPITEFUL, RANTING, EVIL, TRAITOROUS, DEPRAVED, OBSCENE-MOUTHED, DOLE-SCROUNGING, RACIST, LEECHING-OFF BRITISH-TAXPAYERS, ISLAMIC WEIRDO-ZEALOT (We don't mean that in a bad way) THROWN OUT OF COUNTRY AT LAST.
Abu Hamzar, who purveyed racist filth ever since receiving the first of many handouts from the British taxpayer (you and me), is in the process of being thrown out of the country, at last. This human (barely) flotsam has incited racial hatred for years and, sadly, had he been of another hue, would have been arrested years ago. Some politicians suddenly seemed to have woken up to the fact that this country harbours some of the worst racists the world has seen. And some of them are not white! Many people appear to have been brainwashed by the politically correct brigade into thinking that racism means white people having a go at ethnic minorities - not so. This site, although not politically correct by any means (and proud of seeing the 'human' side of reality), has never stooped to the depths plumbed by the likes of Bernard Manning and his school of charm. Nevertheless, it is a fact, highlighted by cases such as the above, that this country has given financial aid, health benefits, education and all manner of assistance to people, of all colours and creeds, who, if they had their way, would tear down the society that gives them their freedom. And they openly preach this filth. Many of these people come to this country after, allegedly, having suffered persecution in their own. Any right-minded person must surely question why they then plot to destroy the fabric of the country that has bent over backwards and given them rights and help that its own citizens aren't granted. Could it be that the kind of people who planned the Twin Tower atrocities have been allowed access into this country under the guise of being genuine asylum seekers? Time will tell - but we did mention it here. Unless, of course, we are inciting hatred of terrorists, racists and scumbags who perhaps class themselves as a downtrodden minority!!!
(14/6/02) EVIL, SADISTIC CARNAGE HALTED BY FINE, UPSTANDING, HETEROSEXUAL, NON-PAEDOPHILE JUDGE. (Exclusive)
The world breathed a sigh of relief recently when, following a three-part series shown on the BBC (The Hunt For Britain's Paedophiles), a twisted, depraved moral malignancy of malfeasance was finally put behind bars.
The net finally closed on the man the fine, upstanding judge called, "A sick, corrupt, flagitious piece of human garbage, pervaded with the most abundant moral turpitude I've had the displeasure of sitting before."
The self-confessed paedophile, Julian LeVene, was allowed out of court by his closest pal, the fine, upstanding judge, to talk to waiting cameramen about his loathing for the jailed pervert who admitted diving for golf balls near his local Golf Club, with the full permission of, the fine, upstanding judge said, "...the probably equally sick golfers who allowed you to continue to perpetrate this wicked deed on humanity."
The fine, upstanding judge went on to say that, through the diligence and thousands of back-breaking man-hours, by the Police's Anti-SCUBA Unit, based in Scotland Yard, this "...evil network of organised perverts had been brought to book."
The pervert, who cannot be named due to legal reasons, used the Internet to swap thousands of pictures of likely sites for lost golf balls. The pervert collected names from others in their 'ring' and used Chat Rooms to dupe, beguile and 'groom' (a term meaning to befriend victims in preparation for their violation) innocent golfers into revealing the whereabouts of their clubs and equipment.
He then savagely, and without a thought for golfers' feelings, "...virtually raped the ponds nearby..." of their former property.
The Site For Sore Eyes news team never backs down when faced with moral quandaries such as this. We thank the fine, upstanding judge for his backbone on dealing with Britain's filth and, now that the horrific crime has been stamped on hard by the moral majority of this country, we feel that our children can sleep safely in their beds.
If anyone would like to come and have a drink with the totally-innocent-because-the-fine, upstanding-judge-said-so, Julian LeVene and the fine, upstanding judge (who's buying to celebrate his best pal being totally innocent), then please feel welcome. We'll be at the Blind Justice Pub, along with Jamie Bulger's parents and a group of social workers who worked long and hard to secure the release of so many other innocents in this fine, upstanding country of ours.
(31/5/02) NUCLEAR WAR ALERT.
The world waited with bated breath last night as two nuclear-capable countries squared off with one another. India and Pakistan, both countries which are renowned for tasty morsels, decided to put meals on the back-burner and confront other, possibly deadly, pastimes.
The two, both renowned for whupping us at cricket, have decided to bat against each other and threats are flying (along with several hundred Brits out of Karachi Airport).
The Site For Sore Eyes News Team has never blanched from commenting on heavyweight, politically sensitive, issues before, and we won't now. We may be a small, relatively insignificant, backwater, nuclear incapable, jerry-rigged, all-hands-to-the-pumps (That's enough - Ed.) small-time set-up, but we pride ourselves on commonsense values and no-nonsense, straight-from-the-hip talking. We believe in the values our forefathers instilled in us. We think the two countries should get round the table and get down to some serious dialogue. The alternative consequences are too horrific to contemplate. We're sure the differences between them, and the object of those differences, can be talked about and agreed over. After all, do we really want a nuclear holocaust over a sweater?
(30/3/02) NEWS FROM BUCKINGHAM PALACE STARTS WAVE OF PUBLIC HORROR.
The whole nation is now in shock as the recent news, with its devastating consequences, from Buckingham Palace starts to sinks in. Many people have fled, in tears, back to their homes due to the stunning news sweeping Britain's cities, towns and streets.
The full realisation has probably only now just been realised and the mass exodus of people is testament to that fact.
For those of you who have been on a desert island during the last few hours we will spell it out:
ALL PROGRAMME SCHEDULING - AND YOUR FAVOURITE PROGRAMMES - ARE THROWN INTO UTTER CONFUSION.
Yes, all video programming has now been thrown completely into disarray due to the newsflashes and old black and white reels of jerky film being repeated and repeated ad infinitum.
The timing couldn't have been worse. Many people had been already out, or on their way out, when the tragic news was leaked. For some they were caught in limbo - far from their video recorders and with little they could do but resign themselves to the inevitable: missed endings of their favourite programmes; programmes they are totally unfamiliar with being displayed on their screens; hours of vacuous questions from even more vacuous newsreaders to vacant-looking reporters standing on steps near regal-looking buildings.
For others more lucky, the cancelling of their Saturday night entertainment in the pubs or clubs is a small price to pay. They were the chosen few, the fortunate few, who managed to get home, delete the video timings, and sit with remote in hand while they manually scanned the channels until their favourite programmes returned.
For some people, even luckier, the journey home took little time and they were able to overrule the timings, view the re-scheduling of programmes, completely reprogramme their machines and manage a quick one round the local, or even a curry before returning home. Although some of those we interviewed had some fear of another reprogramming shift during their absence. This is the horror stalking Britain's streets as we go to press.
Thank you, television, for dumbing down. Without that fortunate intervention, Britain could be going into Easter Sunday with no tapes under its TV and video units to further clog the cerebral arteries of Britain. Throughout the depth and breadth of this land, the Sabbath day could have seen thousands of bereft citizens thronging the streets looking for video shops and clogging up the highways as the emergency services tried desperately to get through to those in real need - the radio listeners! The carnage may have been avoided - but only just.
This is the end of this NEWSFLASH.
(25/1/02) MARIAH CAREY KICKED OFF EMI RECORD LABEL - SHOCK, HORROR, URGENT PROBE CALLED FOR!!!
The multi-talented, multi-millionairess, multi-personalitied (!) Mariah Carey has been kicked off her contract with multi-wise godlets, EMI. As long-standing fans of Mariah's I'm sure you'll join us in supposing the world is in deep mourning for the contractual death of the girl with the golden clack.
Our hearts go out to her. (The gelignite was sniffed out by some nosey, bleedin' dogs!)
(5/1/02) DOLLY THE SHEEP HAS ARTHRITIS CLAIM!
It's been alleged that Dolly the sheep has fallen prey to the ravaging disease of the decrepit, the scourge of the superannuated, the pox of the pensioner - arthritis!
Our chief science correspondent, Watson Petridish, has had exclusive access to the pen housing Dolly - the sheep made famous by looking exactly like another sheep - to try and authenticate these rumours.
The sensational disclosure has thrown the carefully controlled and moderated world of cloning into disarray. Scientists are still not sure whether Dolly's arthritis is the result of cloning or the sad indulgences and habits of her mother: fifty cigarettes a day, mainlining bleach and deodrant, and eyedropping make-up! Either way the illness spells bad news for the cloning industry who were on the brink of releasing sensational footage showing their recent results in cloning a wire coat-hanger.
The sad news also throws doubt on the recent, possibly life-saving, experiments to breed genetically-modified pigs whose organs could be used for human transplants as they would not trigger rejection.
The news has forced the company running the experiments into revealing more revelations. A sad patient and guinea-pig in both cloning and pig experiments, Fortescue Depthplumber, himself a victim of the rampaging arthritis, had this to say: "It's bad enough being in constant pain from the arthritis, but being unable to hold on to the Zimmer Frame because of these bloody trotters on the end of me arms is a nightmare."
We'll keep you posted.
(24/6/01) EXCLUSIVE - ACTUAL TRANSCRIPTS OF TAPE RECORDINGS MADE AT THE PAROLE HEARINGS OF MUDERING BASTARDS VENABLES AND THOMPSON.
The SITE FOR SORE EYES have managed to exploit a legal loophole (pay money!) and obtain tape recordings of the parole hearings of the two murderers of baby James Bulger.
Because of the potential sensitive nature of these tapes we can't show the transcripts here. CLICK HERE to go to the RANCID RANTS Area where you can read them in full.
(8/2/01) LUV-A-DUCK MARY POPPINS, 2p A BAG'S A BIT STEEP!
Yesterday saw the demise of whitewashed pavements in Trafalgar Square. The last of the official pigeon-feed purveyors was refused a licence to sell bags of food to sightseers and demented Cockneys.
The argument over whether the practice of condoning the feeding of pigeons when they make such a blight on the landscape (when the Cockneys aren't blighting it themselves, of course!) has raged in the street, the newspapers and even on television.
Some have said that the pigeons are a backdrop to the character and tradition of London and cheerful, cheeky Cockneys. (Presumably this must mean Cockneys are a verminous load of disease-carrying vermin. No argument from the Site For Sore Eyes Team, there!)
Others have protested that the pigeons are a public health hazard, carry child-threatening diseases, are little more than rats with wings and should be eradicated not just from Trafalgar Square, but from most cities and towns as they pose a real threat to the health and well-being of the populace.
It's not known how the pigeons might be affected by the sudden withdrawal of their daily food ration. Sources suggest their lawyers are looking into what redundancy package they are likely to receive and the likelihood of suing the government for personal trauma.
A pigeon spokesperson is reported as saying that the pigeons will suffer no real hardship - with their background, social demeanour, contagious afflictions and rat-like qualities, they will probably retire gracefully and move in to politics.
(17/12/00) A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR.........
Poor Claire Swire! In case you haven't heard, she's the poor lass who sent an e-mail to her 'boyfriend' describing the act of oral sex she'd recently performed on him, presumably to arouse him in readiness for the next time they met.
Unfortunately for her, being a bit of a shit, he forwarded the e-mail to some friends to brag about his escapades.
They then forwarded it on to their friends. Ad infinitum.....
Some press reports estimated that up to 23 million people may have seen the e-mail and various attachments.
Performing oral sex on someone and then writing about it in a public domain is not the brightest of things to do.
You can't have too much sympathy with the girl, really. Surely she must have known that the option for anyone to see what she'd written was there.
Still, it just proves the old adage: THERE'S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE!
(15/11/00) DOWN AT THE OLD BULL(shit) & BUSH - PRESIDENCY IS GORED.
The latest round in the American voting debacle closed today with more recriminations flying. It seems that the only way that America will be able to tell who succeeds Wild Bill Clinton to the White House, is to actually do away with the computerised counting machines!
The problems have arisen because the punches that Americans use in their polling booths, to elect their candidates, haven't been punching the holes clear through the voting card. This made the card appear null and void to the counting machines, a problem not encountered if they're counted manually.
To be seen to be fair (it's never stopped them in the past), the powers-that-be have decided that they will have to revert to counting the votes the old fashioned way - by hand.
A SITE FOR SORE EYES spokesperson, based close to sources in the White House, said, "This is the first time in recent American history that holes and a hand job have got a President IN to the White House!"
(7/11/00) NATION'S FAVOURITE QUEEN MUM IN SHOCK HORROR CUTICLE DEATH FALL. Disaster was narrowly averted early today when it was revealed that the Queen Mother almost clipped a fingernail too short. A Buckingham Palace spokesperson said that the Queen Mum, or 'That betel nut-chewing woman' as she is known to the Queen, was left on her own for three milliseconds - enough, it transpires, for the nation's favourite horse-lover to acquire a pair of scissors (a tool with which she has little familiarity) and attempt to perform the skilful manoeuvre.
The spokesperson talked candidly about the act which, had it gone ahead, would have deprived the nation of a piece of one of its priceless antiquities.
Although moved to tears by the incident, the spokesperson summoned up the sheer courage and war-time camaraderie that has made the royals famous in London to reveal that Downing Street had been informed immediately of the incident and the Cabinet had been placed on a war footing.
NATO had moved to DEF CON 2 and ships, planes, tanks and, in lieu of the submarines, a couple of pedalos (with No. 9 crossed out and 'SUBMARINE' painted on) had been scrambled.
Later tonight the Prime Minister is expected to hold emergency meetings with cross party committee members to see where the nation should go from here.
He is expected to tell the country not to panic, though this, it is feared, will have little effect on the nation's damaged morale.
Oh, and some people in some areas have lost all their possessions and homes in flooding. Still, mustn't grumble, eh?
It's been reported, after the fiasco of the RAF's aircraft not being compatible with certain bombs, that several of Britain's ships are allergic to water, some models of tank are afraid of dirt and the new rifle being issued to British Servicemen won't fire in the dark.
A senior Civil Servant is reported as saying that although they are aware of the problems, it doesn't compromise Britain's combat readiness.
"If need be," he said, in a Lancashire accent you can't discern over this kind of medium, "we'll fight any hostilities with paint guns."
He added that a deal had already been thrashed out with a major leisure facility supplier and went on to say that if the likes of Saddam Hussein wanted a bloody nose, we had the wherewithal to do it.
"We may not have the firepower we once had at the moment," he said, "but if Saddam Hussein wants to kick off, we have permission from the Prime Minister to threaten to decorate him really badly!"
This has been Watson Wireless, The Site For Sore Eyes, somewhere in cyberspace - only being a graphics character, I'm not sure where exactly, really.
So, there you have it! The SITE FOR SORE EYES Newsteam will obviously keep you informed of any latebreaking developments in the looming battle, already being described as the 'MOTHER OF ALL MAKEOVERS'.
Victoria Beckham, last heard of suffering from a life-threatening brain bug, has overcome her latest adversity - with a swiftness curiously characteristic of all other headline-grabbing, arrogant, self-serving, smug, selfish bastard celebrities - just in time to launch another single. Rumour has it that Davros, King of the Daleks, will not be guesting on this one.
Footnote: Posh would seem to be the latest in a long line of charlatans, taking the piss out of people who are really suffering from severe illnesses, by feigning sickness or malady then making miraculous recoveries attributed to banging gongs and humming over a few pieces of over-priced pebbles, purchased from some shyster who leaves a smell of josh-sticks wherever they go. Or am I just bitter?
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