THE SITE FOR SORE EYES HORROR-SCOPES
with

UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE OF UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES, VERA IS NOT ABLE TO BE WITH US THIS WEEK. INSTEAD, PLEASE WELCOME CLAIRE VOYANT - THE TRANSCENDENTAL TEMPTRESS

IF IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY.
You're in good company. Josef Mengele, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Colonel Gaddafi and Reverend Tallywhacker all share your talents.

To JW of Glossop: If colours have figured predominantly in your life recently, beware a man in a boiler suit sucking wine gums and whistling the theme from Titanic.


AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Your love life could be the centre of attention this week - if you make out with anyone on a traffic roundabout. You are guilty of looking at your problems from a strange perspective - especially if you're still on the traffic roundabout. Lately you seem overly preoccupied with that body you dismembered and buried in a wet concrete mould for a motorway flyover. The police are no nearer catching you now than they were before my magical powers grassed you up. Beware a stranger with PC109 on his shoulder patch.

PISCES
(Feb 20 - March 20)
The planets are not lined up favourably for you this week. Being a water sign you notice when friends and family are distant - the postcards from Australia and Dubai could have been a red herring. (Although the hallucinogenics you're hiding from your husband could have something to do with that.) Extending your business contacts and following that creative urge may seem a must right now, but remember that things may not be what they seem. (Although the hallucinogenics you're hiding from your husband could have something to do with that.) Your vulnerability was on show when you fell prey to the charlatan writing in that starsign column.

ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
You will have a day similar to one twelfth of the entire population of planet earth as, obviously, there are only twelve birth signs in the zodiac. If you can find a friend with the same birthsign, don't go in to work - they can do your job being your astrological twin - and refer all enquiries and bills to them. Easy, eh? A need for solitude could put a damper on your job as a street entertainer in China.

TAURUS
(April 21 - May 21)
The moon is in ascension at the moment and, coupled with a cusp of Scorpio eclipsing the Pleiades Cluster, it is advisable that you don't buy any bleach. You will feel happier when you are next not feeling sad. If you have skin covering your body and are reading this, you're liable to be alive at the moment.

GEMINI
(May 22 - June 22)
If you suspect that a friend or partner or relative or spouse or colleague or peer or workmate or member of your club or someone you know is uneasy at the moment about any decision you may or may not have made any time since you were born, you could be right. But keep it in mind that you could also be wrong. Proceed, therefore, with caution.

CANCER
(June 23 - July 23)
You're probably tired, at the moment, about discussing money. It may not be money - it could be most anything. But, however, you are probably tired of it. When you are not tired of mentioning it, is a good time to approach the problem again.
You could easily surprise a colleague at work today (if you do work, that is, how the hell would I know!) by hiding his sandwiches, dressing his computer in lingerie and singing 'You'll never walk alone.'

LEO
(July 24 - Aug 23)
It might come as a surprise to you, but your new-found confidence at work has been noticed by those who matter - yes, the office juniors with acne despise you. The girl from the photocopier room has the hots for your boyfriend but warning her off with a twelve-bore may go against company policy. Think before you take the next step. At times in your life you might have been sad, happy, drunk, sober or may have caught a bus.

VIRGO
(Aug 24 - Sept 23)
One minute you feel down and despise yourself because you are a total loser who believes that you can change your life by reading absolute shite in the newspapers and magazines about your birthday having some mystical significance in the context of being grouped with other birthdates in to twelve or so classifications and given a mysterious name with elemental connotations and associated with a semi-precious piece of stone. At other times, you won't.

LIBRA
(Sept 24 - Oct 22)
It was once said that your sign was the epitome of sound judgement, charisma, good luck and psychic abilities that spooked all your friends and family. It was also once said that kissing a frog was lucky! This week you'll discover a loved one has murdered a foreign diplomat, weed in your shoes and changed sex while you weren't looking. Whoever said that about your starsign is probably feeling pretty dumb now, yeh?

SCORPIO
(Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Just like the scorpion, you have a sting in your tail, although those little pincers on the ends of your arms are a real pisser, eh? You must not feel afraid to venture forth on the escapade that you and your partner have been planning for such a long time. It's now prudent to look at your dreams and go for them. Remember, a stitch in a faint heart, never goes before a fall. Your boss will fully understand you leaving any rush jobs by paying attention to any drivel you read in your horoscope.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You seem pretty sure that a loved one is now ready for that certain commitment. The doctors and psychiatrists may disagree, but remember the grass is always silver-lined on the other swallow's summer. You may think that your life has little structure at the moment, but listen to your heart. It could give out any minute if you carry on worrying about trivial advice in trashy horoscope columns.
The number 666 is significant for you.

CAPRICORN
(Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Gossip can be very dangerous. It may seem like a little tittle tattle at work can do no harm, but remember, mentioning 'axe', 'screams', 'digging' and 'hole in the garden' to police telephone operators is not everyone's idea of fun. Financial matters could be looking up, though.
A little romance between you and your partner could be in the air. So don't park on any cliffs. Mercury, Uranus, Mars, Venus, Jupiter, Neptune, Saturn, Pluto and Earth are planets. Don't seek answers from others, especially those who write weekly columns in pulp magazines.

VISIONARY VERA IS NOT SURE WHEN SHE'LL NEXT BE AVAILABLE. SHE APOLOGISES TO ALL HER REGULAR READERS.

If you would like a personally signed horror-scope from Claire Voyant, or Visionary Vera (if she returns), just send all your intimate, personal details on a postcard to:

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