The Twelve Days of Christmas
by Agnes Merry

14th December, 1997.

Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised darling!

With deepest love, Agnes.

15th December, 1997.

Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are truly adorable!

With all my love, Your Agnes.

16th December, 1997.

Dearest John,
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! But I really must protest, I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of course, but I must insist, you’ve been too kind!

With Love, Agnes.

17th December, 1997.

Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are plainly beautiful, but I really have too many birds as it is. You’re being too romantic, dear.

Affectionately, Agnes.

18th December, 1997.

Dearest darling John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for every finger! You’re just impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. I am glad you thought of something different.

All my love, Agnes.

19th December, 1997.

Dear John,
When I opened my door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? The geese are nice, dear but where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I have had a little trouble sleeping through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes.

20th December, 1997.

Just what the hell is it with you and fucking birds!? Seven swans-a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this! !?? There is bird shit everywhere! The little bastards never shut up, I can’t sleep anymore, and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny you weirdo.


21st December, 1997.

O.K. Buster,
The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? If that’s not bad enough, they had to bring their goddamn cows! ! There is shit all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house! ! Just lay off me smartass or you’ll be sorry!


22nd December, 1997.

You shithead!!!
What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there’s nine pipers playing! Christ do they play! They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching bloody birds. The neighbours are getting a petition against me.
Stop, Stop, Stop, STOP! Or you’ll get yours!



23rd December, 1997.

You bastard!
Now there’s ten ladies dancing! But they’re not ladies! Those broads are screwing around with the pipers! The cows can’t sleep and they’ve all got diarrhoea! My living room is a river of shit and the landlord is threatening to evict me because of all the commotion. I’m calling the police on you: Creep!

One who means it!

24th December, 1997.

I’ll castrate you, you motherfucking asshole!
What’s with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They’re leaping on and off those milking-maids and dancing-ladies!?!?! Some of those poor girls will never walk again!
Those pipers went through the maids and ladies and have started sodomising the cows. At least the birds are quiet: they were all trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you sheep-shagging, self-flagellating, bishop-basher!
Your sworn enemy,


25th December, 1997.

Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin
30 Knave Street,

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Merry. If you attempt to reach Ms. Merry at Happy Daze Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Merry Christmas smartass!!

Cordially, Badger, Binder, and Irwin.

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