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I once called in at my doctor's. He was one of the old school - professional, charming, well-spoken, urbane, quiet, you get the picture. As I was glancing around his surgery I happened to notice a little poster on the wall, above his desk. The writing surprised me, after what I said above about him. The poster said, "Here is another name to add to the long list of people who have pissed me off today."
At the time it seemed amusing to see that a cool professional, decent guy such as my doc would admit to people getting to him. Now I'm older, and wiser. And much more pissed off than the average doctor!
See if you are more like me than you care or dare to admit...
Appear on those home/DIY shows on TV. I could probably get away with saying that's the end of this part of the rant, but to paraphrase that giant of comedy, Jimmy Cricket: "And there's more!"
They profess to be gagging for a new place to plonk their lardy arses, but then they go round someone else's house and refuse to put a bid in to buy it. Why?
'Cos, "I don't like the furniture, curtains, decor," etc.
These people are brainless. They're not going to have the same furniture, curtains, decor, etc. 'COS THEY HAVE THEIR OWN!!!
Or haven't they realised that yet?
What difference does it possibly make what is furnishing the house when they go to see it? The first thing they'll do is rip out everything and make it into 'their' place.
Can they seriously lack the mental wherewithal to imagine how it would look with their own stuff in it?
And yet I've seen hundreds of gormless bastards come out with the same shite. These people shouldn't be allowed out to look at houses. They shouldn't really be allowed their own front door key. I'll bet every time they walk into their own gaff, they probably don't like it and start criticising the length of dado rails and the amount of weft and weave in the carpets!
Until it hits them - something I'd give my favourite, urine-stained, pants (See People Who 1) to do.
Bring up the topic of, for instance, holidays.
Now, the usual social niceties and customs demands that when a conversation is taking place, one party talks, then, after a decent length of time, the other party offers a response, or an analogy or anecdote of their own.
So, there I am listening to what they have to say and, while listening, something in their tale reminds me of an amusing time that I..., and I make a mental note to add it to the conversation - when they stop to draw breath. Only...
When you begin to tell them about it they then keep interrupting with an ongoing conversation of their own - usually repeating everything they've just told you.
You realise, after starting the same conversation about four times, and each time being stopped by them inhaling and then prattling on, that the sole reason they started the conversation in the first place was not to pass the time and conform to social mores. Oh, no. They began only because they've been to Mars, Jupiter, all the asteroids and they earn pots more money then you and their house is nicer, and their kids are all being headhunted by NASA etc. etc. etc.
If only they'd stopped and taken notice they would have learned that, although I don't look it, I'm actually a homicidal maniac with an inflatable axe who looks specifically for people with greased tongues who like to take time out each and every day to PISS ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Display those little signs in their premises that say, "Thank you for not smoking".
In California they have passed a state law that makes it illegal for people to smoke in a public place, a direct and effective response to the fact that passive smoking kills non-smokers just as surely as garrotting them or sticking a pointed instrument into the base of their skull. Now the fact that passive smoking kills is not a state secret, nor is it speculative. It is cold hard fact. So the Yanks make doing it illegal and what do we do? We put up a polite notice expressing gratitude to people for something that we aren't even sure that they're going to do!
How frightfully, frightfully British, old sport.
I don't know why nobody thought of this before because it's clearly a strategy that has endless social and legal applications. Why don't we try putting up signs at the roadside saying, "Thank you for not speeding", or in stores saying, "Thank you for not shoplifting", or inside Milwall's ground saying, "Thank you for not being a mindless thug". In fact if we'd only considered this earlier we could have erected a fucking big billboard in Kabul saying "Thank you for not flying hi-jacked jet-liners into our tall buildings". Just think of the trouble that could have saved! All of the offending parties would have read the aforementioned notices and said, "Aaah, isn't that charming. It would be churlish to do it now they've asked us not to so politely."
Of course we don't. We don't do this because we know it would be a waste of time because if people want to do those things they are going to do them.
So why bother? Why bother asking people politely not to do something that would get them arrested in California? Why bother asking them not to do something that their own moral conscience ought to tell them they shouldn't do?
Put simply it is because this is one small symptom of a malaise that's sweeping the country. The one that's summed up by the sentence "kids/convicts/animals/stamp collectors (delete as applicable or insert your own subject) have rights too, you know".
It's the same mentality that says we should feel sorry for convicted paedophiles because their cells don't have en-suite facilities and cable TV; the one that says we shouldn't fly British flags because it might offend Muslims; the one that says that little toe-rags can murder an innocent child, serve an offensively short sentence, then be released and have their poisonous identities protected for the rest of their worthless lives.
What those people should be doing, what I would be doing if I were in their position, is not to thank these inconsiderate bastards for not doing something that, if they had a brain larger than a walnut, they would realise is thoughtless and harmful, but instructing them not to do it in words so direct that they will penetrate even the smokers' leaden skulls.
Something along the lines of the following:
Warning to smokers
If any of you pathetic, nipple-fixated inadequates dares to indulge in your self-destructive dependency on these premises, and has the effrontery to spew your carcinogenic poison into the faces of other customers, the offending item will be removed from your control and you will be escorted from the premises with it inserted in your rectum, lit end first.
PALMER ON PROZAC is a freelance writer from Stockport, England. He is also the main author of this Web Site. You can see more of his observations and Rants on THE SITE FOR SORE EYES soon. His views and comments do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of the owners of this Site. When not hurling insults at the rest of humanity, he seethes, quietly, while watching the world go by. One day... One day... And don't think being a woman or child will help you...........!!!! SOMERS ON SERTRALINE is a freelance writer from Stockport, England. He provides additional material to the SITE FOR SORE EYES. You can see more of his observations and Rants on the SITE FOR SORE EYES soon. His views and comments do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of the owners of this Site. His Agent has assured the Site For Sore Eyes that Sertraline has received all the neccessary rabies and distemper shots required by law and will take no responsibility for any person offering Sertraline raw meat.
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