THE PROBLEM PAGES
Dr. Hildegard Liebenleder
HILDEGARD is an ex womens bodybuilding champion from Pectoralowski. She has always had an understanding ear for other peoples problems, though, and turned this into, first, a hobby and then a vocation when a torn pudendum tragically cut short her promising career.
Aspiring Gynaecologist, Steve
STEVE is a bricklayer by profession and a keen rugby player. Amongst his many achievements are, winning the Who Can Vomit Loudest competition on his 18-30 holiday to San Antonio Bay last July, and having sex with the entire Altrincham Gazelles Ladies Hockey team.
The following are real letters from real people. If you would like to consult our experts, please see our advert at the foot of this page.
Lessons in Love.
My boyfriend is quite inexperienced in bed. Hes very enthusiastic and always says Show me what you want, but Im starting to feel more like a teacher than a lover. Im tired of doing everything step-by-step and Ive started fantasising about having sex with a man who knows what hes doing. I do love him but should I finish it?
Emma from Manchester.
STEVE SAYS: Finish it? The only thing you should finish is your constant whining, woman. Whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge , whinge. I mean whats the poor lad supposed to do? Some women are never satisfied. Theres armies of chicks out there who do nothing but complain because their blokes just bang away until theyve had their pleasure then go to sleep. Heres you with a lad who wants to get it right and all you can do is complain about it. Cut the poor sod some slack. Alternatively, if you really are looking for a bloke who knows what hes doing then you could ditch that pathetic loser and e-mail me your address, preferably with a selection of candid photographs, to 'Steve has the hots'.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Think carefully about finishing it. He may be the best man youll ever meet, seeing as its scientifically proven that all men are bastards. I think inexperience and your totally bizarre fantasies are your major problems, as you seriously believe you can find a man who knows what hes doing!
Feel like a teacher? Get used to it, sister.
As for your boyfriend: take a look at my book for men, published by Termagant Press, titled, HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO THE SAME HAND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Ive been single for ages. I just havent met any blokes I like enough to go out with (or who like me enough in some cases). But I really miss sex. Is it okay to just go to bed with guys occasionally as long as we have safe sex?
Victoria from Stow-on-the-Wold.
STEVE SAYS: Sex is a very precious thing. Its the ultimate form of self-expression that should only take place between two people who love one another inside a strong and lasting relationship. Only kidding. You bonk away sweetheart, the more the merrier. And dont worry, as soon as word about your enlightened attitude to sex gets round youll be surprised at how many blokes do like you enough to go out with you. Though when I say go out I dont mean that literally because it will probably involve a lot of staying in. Anyway, if youre still uncertain then I am available for one to one consultations. Just e-mail me your address, preferably with a selection of candid photographs, at Steve gets even hotter.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Its going to be a real problem finding any man that you like enough to go out with. Im surprised that you find sex with just men all that satisfying. Its a well documented fact that men cant satisfy women, as they are all bastards. If you want to screw them, then thats fine. Its what they have been doing to women for centuries. Your point on safe sex had me troubled. Its a scientifically proven fact that sex with a man can never be truly classed as safe.
My boyfriend wants me to give him a blow-job. I tried it once before and it made me gag I was going to throw up. Is this normal?
Melanie from Stoke.
STEVE SAYS: No it certainly is not. Just think of all the things that lad does for you: He goes shopping with you, he waits for his meals until youve got a free minute to cook them, he lets you watch crap soap-operas and points out the creases youve missed when youre ironing. Yeah? And just once he asks you to do something for him and what do you do? Complain, thats what. As for gagging when you tried it, well thats only to be expected I suppose if he just rams his pork-bayonet down your throat. What you need to do is work your way up gradually with a bit of practice. Start of with something slim, like a pencil (though with some blokes that might be as far as you need to take it. Ho-ho), then move up to say a breadstick and so on until your tolerance for having large cylindrical items in your mouth has increased sufficiently. On the other hand if you need someone non-judgemental who has the patience to practise with you until you get it right, then just e-mail me your address, preferably with a selection of candid photographs, at Steve goes ballistic.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Im shocked that this pervert can try and force himself on you. There are many scientifically documented cases that once a man has been spoken to by a woman, he presumes that he can swap spittle with her. You must report him to the police immediately. For good measure, enhance the unspeakable acts hes attempted to force you into, to ensure a conviction and long enough jail term. When you are sobbing uncontrollably to the sympathetic WPC, throw in words such as, sodomy, catamite, shackled, unnatural, goat and Cling Film and tapioca.
Im particularly surprised that it was only one part of a man you couldnt bear to touch!
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