THE PROBLEM PAGES

With

Dr. Hildegard Liebenleder

HILDEGARD is an ex women’s bodybuilding champion from Pectoralowski. She has always had an understanding ear for other people’s problems, though, and turned this into, first, a hobby and then a vocation when a torn pudendum tragically cut short her promising career.

Aspiring Gynaecologist, Steve

STEVE is a bricklayer by profession and a keen rugby player. Amongst his many achievements are, winning the “Who Can Vomit Loudest” competition on his 18-30 holiday to San Antonio Bay last July, and having sex with the entire Altrincham Gazelles Ladies Hockey team.

The following are real letters from real people. If you would like to consult our experts, please see our advert at the foot of this page.


Lessons in Love.

My boyfriend is quite inexperienced in bed. He’s very enthusiastic and always says “Show me what you want”, but I’m starting to feel more like a teacher than a lover. I’m tired of doing everything step-by-step and I’ve started fantasising about having sex with a man who knows what he’s doing. I do love him but should I finish it?

Emma from Manchester.

STEVE SAYS: Finish it? The only thing you should finish is your constant whining, woman. Whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge , whinge. I mean what’s the poor lad supposed to do? Some women are never satisfied. There’s armies of chicks out there who do nothing but complain because their blokes just bang away until they’ve had their pleasure then go to sleep. Here’s you with a lad who wants to get it right and all you can do is complain about it. Cut the poor sod some slack. Alternatively, if you really are looking for a bloke who knows what he’s doing then you could ditch that pathetic loser and e-mail me your address, preferably with a selection of candid photographs, to 'Steve has the hots'.

 

DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Think carefully about finishing it. He may be the best man you’ll ever meet, seeing as it’s scientifically proven that all men are bastards. I think inexperience and your totally bizarre fantasies are your major problems, as you seriously believe you can find a man who knows what he’s doing!
Feel like a teacher? Get used to it, sister.
As for your boyfriend: take a look at my book for men, published by Termagant Press, titled, HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO THE SAME HAND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

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Lonely Girl.

I’ve been single for ages. I just haven’t met any blokes I like enough to go out with (or who like me enough in some cases). But I really miss sex. Is it okay to just go to bed with guys occasionally as long as we have safe sex?

Victoria from Stow-on-the-Wold.

STEVE SAYS: Sex is a very precious thing. It’s the ultimate form of self-expression that should only take place between two people who love one another inside a strong and lasting relationship. Only kidding. You bonk away sweetheart, the more the merrier. And don’t worry, as soon as word about your enlightened attitude to sex gets round you’ll be surprised at how many blokes do like you enough to go out with you. Though when I say go out I don’t mean that literally because it will probably involve a lot of staying in. Anyway, if you’re still uncertain then I am available for one to one consultations. Just e-mail me your address, preferably with a selection of candid photographs, at Steve gets even hotter.

 

DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: It’s going to be a real problem finding any man that you like enough to go out with. I’m surprised that you find sex with just men all that satisfying. It’s a well documented fact that men can’t satisfy women, as they are all bastards. If you want to screw them, then that’s fine. It’s what they have been doing to women for centuries. Your point on safe sex had me troubled. It’s a scientifically proven fact that sex with a man can never be truly classed as ‘safe’.

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Horatio Hornblower.

My boyfriend wants me to give him a blow-job. I tried it once before and it made me gag – I was going to throw up. Is this normal?

Melanie from Stoke.

STEVE SAYS: No it certainly is not. Just think of all the things that lad does for you: He goes shopping with you, he waits for his meals until you’ve got a free minute to cook them, he lets you watch crap soap-operas and points out the creases you’ve missed when you’re ironing. Yeah? And just once he asks you to do something for him and what do you do? Complain, that’s what. As for gagging when you tried it, well that’s only to be expected I suppose if he just rams his pork-bayonet down your throat. What you need to do is work your way up gradually with a bit of practice. Start of with something slim, like a pencil (though with some blokes that might be as far as you need to take it. Ho-ho), then move up to say a breadstick and so on until your tolerance for having large cylindrical items in your mouth has increased sufficiently. On the other hand if you need someone non-judgemental who has the patience to practise with you until you get it right, then just e-mail me your address, preferably with a selection of candid photographs, at Steve goes ballistic.

 

DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: I’m shocked that this pervert can try and force himself on you. There are many scientifically documented cases that once a man has been spoken to by a woman, he presumes that he can swap spittle with her. You must report him to the police immediately. For good measure, enhance the unspeakable acts he’s attempted to force you into, to ensure a conviction and long enough jail term. When you are sobbing uncontrollably to the sympathetic WPC, throw in words such as, ‘sodomy’, ‘catamite’, ‘shackled’, ‘unnatural’, ‘goat’ and ‘Cling Film and tapioca’.
I’m particularly surprised that it was only one part of a man you couldn’t bear to touch!

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For free, confidential and expert advice send your problems to us and our experienced and sensitive agony aunt and uncle, Hildegard and Steve, will give you the benefit of their wide experience to help put your problems in perspective.

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