THE PROBLEM PAGES (Page 2)
Dr. Hildegard Liebenleder
Aspiring Gynaecologist, Steve
My husband has always been a bit shy. It was one of the things that attracted me to him. In the last few months he's been even more secretive and a little withdrawn. Then, last week, I had to use his car when mine broke down. I managed to find his keys, which he usually hides away. Imagine my shock when, in his car, I found an obviously well-used inflatable doll. I've not mentioned this incident to him yet but I'm at my wit's end.
Melanie from Chisholm.
STEVE SAYS: Don't get your knickers in a twist, darling, there's a simple answer to this one and it's got nothing to do with him shagging the old airbed with tits. Now you reckon that your old man is a bit on the shy side and shy blokes are usually a bit timid as well. Fair enough? Right, well there are always stories in the paper about people getting car-jacked and it's always people who are driving somewhere on their own. So some bright spark in the States latched onto the idea that since these people always attacked lone drivers if you had an inflatable passenger next to you in the car you were less likely to get car-jacked. So they marketed an inflatable passenger for people who were worried about this happening to them and I reckon this could be the explanation for your husband having one in the glove compartment of his car. Mind you, having looked at the photograph you sent with your letter I'm not sure hardened criminals are actually going to be deterred by a sheep wearing a basque.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: It's not fair to label a person with pejorative terms like 'secretive' and 'withdrawn'. Tell it like it is, sister. If you're dealing with a man then those terms are euphemisms for well-known medical and genetic conditions: shifty, lying, two-timing bastards.
Also, it's been well documented that, after particularly grisly murders, close neighbours and family have said that the perpetrator was, "...quiet, always kept themselves to themselves...", or were, "...shy...". I wouldn't take any chances, Melanie. Save yourself. Run ....... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!
All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go.
I've always thought we had a great marriage. Until, that is, I began noticing things that maybe aren't quite right. It started when I found a pair of knickers down the back of the settee, which weren't mine. Another time I found a bra under the bed. At other times I've found basques, stockings, the odd high heel and even a PVC waspie! Yesterday I found a few long blonde hairs (I'm a redhead!) in the bathroom. I'm very suspicious. Could my husband be a cross-dresser? Do you think I have a problem?
Geri from Halifax.
STEVE SAYS: All right let's get things in perspective here, shall we? So your husband likes to dress up in women's underwear, is that so terrible? Does it make you love him any less? The question you have to ask yourself is how strong is your relationship and can it survive this crisis if it turns out to be what you think. The first thing you need to do is to discuss this with your husband in a full and frank way, which won't be easy if he's felt the need, so far, to hide his transvestite leanings from you. All the same you need to persevere, explain to him that you can accept his tastes and that if he can admit the truth to you and you are able to live with it then it will obviously make your marriage stronger.
There's also the slim possibility that the sexy underwear doesn't belong to him and that he's porking another woman but let's look on the bright side eh, he might only be a closet bender.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: I think that there may be some, slim, hope for your husband, in that he feels the urge to emulate the dominant gender of the species.
Alternatively, he may be just faking it to ingratiate himself in the hope that he'll be spared when the glorious day arrives and we take absolute power.
Whatever the reason, never forget that it's been scientifically proven that, because of their genetic make-up, men are all bastards, and usually two-timing tossers as well. Yours appears to manifest both properties and, as in other forms of animal degeneracy, should be put down and then burnt to stop the spread of any contagion.
We've been married for seven years and have begun talking about having a baby. But, since my husband started a new, very demanding and high-pressure, job two years ago we rarely make love. Last year we only did it twice. I don't know how to bring up the subject but if we don't do it I can't conceive, can I? Should I think of artificial insemination, leaving him or having an affair?
Mariah of Carey Island.
STEVE SAYS: First off you shouldn't believe in old wives tales so let's put the record straight on that one: you can't get pregnant from the kiss of life so that's a non-starter! As for your other ideas, well you're a bit off the mark there as well. For starters at least twenty girls that I have been with have got pregnant after only doing it once never mind twice ..allegedly. So let's cut to the chase shall we. If your old man is never up for it then you have to change his mind, don't you? Now a lot of other agony aunts might suggest an intimate dinner for two, a weekend away or some new sexy lingerie but I prefer the more direct route. Take him out, get him bladdered then shag him while he's out of his skull. He'll hate himself in the morning but then that's not your problem, is it?
Well, it's always worked for me in the past!
As it happens, if you are thinking of having an affair then e-mail me, with a selection of candid photographs at Steve is the Fertile God of the Internet!
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: It's been scientifically proven that you run the risk of all manner of contamination when dealing with sex with men.
I would always take the, proven, safe option and plump for artificial insemination. If, though, you do have to have sex, you should always keep within one's own specific gender. That way you can be sure that no sexually transmitted diseases will be passed between you.
I was impressed by your promising outlook and steely resolve on only having sex with a man twice last year, though I was surprised that you felt it necessary to touch a man even that amount of times!
No, I think you should let your spouse go out to work and spend the day finding out the real pleasure of dosing your cervix with a large, clean, plastic, syringe.
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