THE PROBLEM PAGES (Page 3)
Dr. Hildegard Liebenleder
Aspiring Gynaecologist, Steve
Close To Home.
I'm fed up with being a doormat for my husband. I cook, wash, clean and look after the house while he works. When he comes home he'll have his tea and then go upstairs on his computer building Web Sites and surfing the Net. He says he needs to relax and wind down after a hard day. He could be looking for pornography for all I know. I feel so neglected.
Caprice from Capri.
STEVE SAYS: Look,
Mrs. Palmer... er ... 'Fed-Up of Stockport', you have to cut the poor bloke a bit of slack. He's right, he probably has had a hard day at work, and building websites is no picnic either. And he does all this to make a better life for you and the kids! Do you begrudge him a bit of rest and relaxation? It's been scientifically proven that spending a little time doing a hobby that you enjoy - surfing the net in your husband's case - is a great stress buster and can reduce dangerous stress levels by over eighty per cent. Oh, and jacking off whilst looking at web sites containing pictures of naked girls with big knockers works wonders in that department as well. So just let him get on with it and stop whining for Christ's sake!
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: I'm sending you a couple of leaflets which other women have found particularly useful: 101 Recipes For Ground Glass and Electrifying Mouse Ports Undetectably.
As there are many documented cases of men subjecting innocent women to horrific mental and physical abuse after e-mailing people, I'm sure any trial judge would look leniently on a first offence of pre-emptive use of a full box of depleted Uranium-tipped shotgun cartridges.
The British Government swear by them and they've been proved to be perfectly harmless.
A verdict of misadventure is the only possible outcome, and like those two, sweet, little boys, Jon Venables and Robert Thompson, you'll be home before your dinner is cold.
I enjoy receiving oral sex but whenever my boyfriend goes down on me he always gets a sore throat afterwards, Is this normal?
Britney from Houston.
STEVE SAYS: Well of course it isn't normal, you mucky cow, you're obviously passing some sort of infection on to him. There are only two possible solutions to this problem: Firstly you should wash your undercarriage more often.
Secondly, if you don't like that idea (and you obviously don't) then there's another possibility. You remember the old story about Marianne Faithfull and the Mars Bar, well you should try this but with a packet of Hall's Mentho-Lyptus. Doing this has two benefits; it will help soothe your boyfriend's sore throat, and help you to get rid of that stuffed-up feeling.
Incidentally, care needs to be exercised when inserting the Hall's, which I recommend rather than Tunes as they come in a squared packet with lots of sharp edges.
If you require the assistance of an experienced practitioner in this area (I have my own rubber gloves!), then e-mail me at Steve@Marigold.Com
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: For most men, 'oral sex' means talking about it to their mates in the shower after football. It's a way of explaining away their erections if they relate tales of sexual liaisons with females, rather than admitting they're gay (my recent survey stated that 99% of men are homosexual) and like showering with big, sweaty, hairy, foul-mouthed Neanderthals.
As for your 'problem': He gets the discomfort and annoyance of having a sore throat; you get the pleasure of having him on his knees, lapping at you like the dog he is (my recent survey stated that 100% of men are bastards). What problem??
On a serious note, there is a small possibility you're carrying the Beenar Mastards virus. This has been reported as being a factor in a number of men developing lymph gland problems which lead to sterility, impotence and eventual madness with grossly distorted and contorted limbs and appendages.
It's carried by about 2% of women without them ever knowing or experiencing any problems.
Send me back a smear in the enclosed Petri dish, which I'll incubate, replicate and distribute to sympathetic agencies I know.
Let's get those carrier numbers into double figures before 2001 is out, sister!!!
The Boss Had Me On The Carpet.
I'm a woman working in an office staffed mainly by men, but one of the women is making my life torment. She started by occasionally asking me out for a drink after work and I usually accepted, mainly to relax after a hard day. Now, though, it's become clear she has a crush on me. She began making the most disgusting comments about what she'd like to do to me. I stopped the socialising but she has now demanded that I visit her at home soon and she'll take me to bed. She's my boss and says things could be difficult for me if I refuse. Help.
Whitney from Spears.
STEVE SAYS: This is a very serious case of bullying in the workplace and it's important, not just for you but for any of your female colleagues who might find themselves in the same situation, that you stamp on it immediately. In the first instance you should point out to this woman that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she should stop at once. If this direct approach doesn't work then you need to go over this woman's head to someone further up the chain of command and explain what has been going on, explain how it has made you feel and make it clear that you can't tolerate her behaviour any longer. If nothing is done and she continues to sexually harass you in this way you should resign and take the company to an Industrial Tribunal for Constructive Dismissal claiming that you were forced to resign as a consequence of the sexual harassment that you have suffered at the hands of your boss.
Let's be honest here, you have led her on a bit, haven't you? I mean she invites you out for a drink, spends her money on you, flatters you by telling you how much she likes you and what do you do? I'll tell you, you give her the come on and then blow her out when it's your turn to pay your corner as it were; typical woman! I don't know exactly what the "disgusting" things that she said to you were but I can imagine.
Excuse me a moment........................
And I can only say that you shouldn't be narrow minded about something that you haven't even tried. You might really enjoy lesbian sex, I know I do. And think of all the plus points, for instance there's no danger of hard to explain unwanted pregnancies, no need to buy expensive condoms, no danger of nasty little infections and, since she's your boss, you might even get a raise or a promotion out of it. Anyway, if you're still a bit uncertain and you want to know if what she's suggesting really is disgusting then I'm only too happy to come along to her place (as a disinterested observer) with you and give you my considered professional opinion on what takes place. We could even take some video and go through it at our own pace back at your place later. If you're interested e-mail me, preferably with some candid photographs, at Steve has a new digicam.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Perverts who try to force their hedonistic, narrow-minded, personally-biased, often sick, fetishes on others really make my blood boil.
I pride myself on being open-minded about virtually everything, but there, genuinely, are no depths to the depravity to which some people will plummet.
What people do in private is, obviously, their own choice but their sexual proclivities and sick, perverted, fetishistic leanings and practices should not be on open display when they have left the confines of the bedroom.
That's why I'm appalled that you could write to a public domain such as this, openly implying, and condoning, sex with a man as 'normal'.
Peddlers of filth and innuendo should be hunted down and hounded off the Net, preferably the planet.
For free, confidential and expert advice send your problems to us and our experienced and sensitive agony aunt and uncle, Hildegard and Steve, will give you the benefit of their wide experience to help put your problems in perspective.
NO PROBLEM TOO SMALL.
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(Just ask Mr. Nigel Brent, of Gazelle Gardens, Edgeley in Stockport, England. He came to us with a thrombosed penal furuncle. We advised him to have several lances concurrently, under anaesthetic if he was a soft bastard. His stream is now back to normal and, as a bonus, he's also learning to play the flute - with two tunes in his repertoire: one is Whistling Dixie and the other isn't.)
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