THE PROBLEM PAGES (Page 4)
Dr. Hildegard Liebenleder
Aspiring Gynaecologist, Steve
Dear Dr. Hildegard and Steve.
I am a happily married young man and love my wife dearly. However, in the office where I work I am constantly pestered by four young nubile women demanding sex. If is not offers of blow jobs then it is lesbian shows or group sex. How can I tactfully tell them that I am not interested without hurting their feelings?
Yours in despair
Richard Kettle from Cawling Potblack.
STEVE SAYS: Okay, listen, Dick. You don't mind if I call you Dick do you because when I read your letter that's what I was thinking. I thought to myself: those girls want Dick, they need Dick desperately, in fact they'd go to any lengths to get Dick and it's obvious that if they don't get Dick they're going to go crazy.
So what should you do?
Well I know this is going to disappoint you but you have to control yourself and not give in to these girls. I mean, I know it's hard - sorry I'll rephrase that - difficult, but you said it yourself: you love your wife dearly. So imagine how lousy you'd feel if you gave in to your animal lust and took advantage of what's on offer. You'd hate yourself, you know you would.
At the same time, gentleman that you are, you don't want to upset these girls and I think that's very noble but it means there's only one thing for you to do.
I know that sounds a bit harsh but look at it this way. If you stay you'll only end up hurting your wife or hurting the four girls and you don't want to do either.
So get on the word processor now and knock off a letter of resignation straight away, hand it in to your Human Resources office tomorrow and by Friday you won't have a problem.
Incidentally, while you're in HR could you pick me up an application form, I've been looking for a change of career lately and from the sound of it there are some interesting openings at your place. E-mail it to Steve at Les be Friends.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Richard, in my recent survey I found that 100% of men are bastards. I did not, though, interview you, according to my extensive records supplied by sympathisers in MI5. Just listen out for a knock on the door. I usually work late so it could be around twelve.
I think that a period of psychological adjustment and tampering, coupled with Electro-Convulsive Therapy may be in order here. I think that the usual gender-informing patterns have become seriously disrupted and the concomitant ripples of disintegrating psyche have gone unheard by the specialists and professionals, such as our esteemed social workers - usually so quick to rush aid to where it's needed.
I am sending you a special pass to one of our underground laboratories where I'm sure, after some treatment concerning accurately measuring the electrical resistance of the male genitalia, you'll be only too pleased, anxious even, nay - gushing, to tell me the whereabouts, names, ages, national insurance numbers, hat sizes and hairwashing habits of the four 'nubile' women who have dared to betray womanhood, so we can track them down and re-educate them in the way of the truth and the light.
Come the glorious day, sisters...
I've been divorced for a while and recently I've started touching my vagina when I'm in bed at night. When I was married I would never have dreamed of doing such anything like that but the thing is, I like it. Now I find I look forward to going to bed at night and I do it every night. A friend has mentioned that doing things like this too much can be harmful. Is she right?
Vivien Brator from Southend.
STEVE SAYS: Your friend should be ashamed of herself spreading old wives' tales like that, of course it's not harmful. Just look at me. I've made a career out of touching women's vaginas and it hasn't done me any harm, well except in those cases where their husbands have turned up while I was doing it. I also spend a lot of my spare time touching my own tackle and that hasn't done me any harm either and my optician swears that the problems with my eyesight are down to a virus I had when I was a kid. On the other hand if you're really worried about the side effects of masturbation I'd be quite happy to meet up with you and give you a hand, so to speak. Just e-mail me with your name and address and a set of candid photographs at Steve has digits to spare.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Dear Wanker from Multi-Storey,
The only thing that can truly be classed as harmful when enjoying a Rolex-winding shuffle is when you imagine it being done by a man. This is not to stand in the way of insurmountable evidence that wanking and men do go together. In my recent survey it was found that 100% of men are wankers, and the majority of them also masturbate and that can be harmful, as they fantasise about women while they are doing it and such sullied thoughts can lead to thoughts of assuming they can tickle your navel - from the inside.
You are now discovering your true self - something you obviously could not do when you were married as you were psychologically stunted by the electrical field of a male being in close proximity (Another of my findings is that men give off a radiation harmful to the burgeoning colossus of intellect that is woman, undiscovered yet by -mainly male - scientists.).
I have found that going to bed every night without a man is very rewarding. My intellect is not stunted, and because of that I can set my mind to the tasks of researching the filthy habits and squalid thoughts of the lesser species of the planet. The findings make sobering reading and it stiffens my resolve to rid the true rulers of mother earth of the male excrescence.
Our glorious leader may have been recently silenced by the medical profession, but there are many ready to take up the call on her behalf and set about beating out the rhythm, tempo and brains of mere males who dare to stand in our way.
Rejoice in that news!!!! Rejoice in that news!!!!
I've been with my boyfriend for six months and we have a great sex life but something happened the other night that I feel scared and ashamed about. When we were having sex I had two fabulous climaxes and when I looked down the bed was wet. I suddenly realised that it was urine. My boyfriend was shocked and we haven't had sex since. Can you explain?
G. Shower from Manchester.
STEVE SAYS: Explain?
Of course I can explain. He's disgusted at what you did you ungrateful cow! There he is beavering away, if you'll pardon the expression, making sure you get your two climaxes. Then what happens? As soon he goes exploring Yodel Canyon, what do you do? You piss all over his head! ..
Unless of course I'm getting the wrong end of the stick here and this happened while you were having penetrative sex. If that's the case I can tell you exactly what the problem is. It's technique. The way your boyfriend is doing it is all wrong. So you have two choices here: you can educate him so that he doesn't get it wrong again or you can bin him off. Now the choice is entirely yours but my advice would be to put him out to grass because you deserve better than that. So if you fancy sex with a man whose technique doesn't make you piss yourself then contact me on Steve has a new snorkel.
DR. HILDEGARD LIEBENLEDER SAYS: Feeling scared and ashamed are usually normal reactions to certain events over which you have no control, or to which you have ambivalent sexual feelings and feel you have to surrender to.
This situation can be read in a factual or figurative way and may be a harbinger of things to come.
It could mean that you are becoming more finely attuned to the rest of womanhood. It is our birthright to piss on men whenever we can and I think all you've done is taken this out of a metaphorical context.
I think you should practice this obviously evolutionary trait as often as possible
On another level I think it may be that you've unconsciously realised what most women know from an early age - sex with men always makes them piss themselves.
For free, confidential and expert advice send your problems to us and our experienced and sensitive agony aunt and uncle, Hildegard and Steve, will give you the benefit of their wide experience to help put your problems in perspective.
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