THE SITE FOR SORE EYES

CHRISTMAS TELE-VISUAL TREATS

SELECTED BY PALMER ON PROZAC - THE BEST YULE GET!

DISCLAIMER: The SITE FOR SORE EYES can not be held responsible for any valuables lost while visiting. Please take every precaution.

6.00: Tiddly Winkies Christmas Frolics.
The cheeky little chappy shows children how to make a periscope to see what goes on in mummy and daddy's bedroom during their 'playtime'.
12.00: Alternative Christmas Carols.
Old favourites are given a makeover for younger viewers. Includes: Here We Go A-WASSUUUUPING!!!!; Good King Selling Grass; The Holly & The IV Drug User; While Shepherds Thrutched; Ding Dong Merrily, I'm High; Away In A Coma, and many more of your all-time favourites.
8.00: Constipation Street.
Short film about people who are full of crap.
6.30: Noel's Christmas Crack-Fest.
Wake up to that loveable rogue from Oasis as he teaches children how to say 'Call that a present you tight fuckwit!' in languages from all the countries he's toured.
1.00: The Three Tenors Sing: Smelly Cat.
Phoebes and Friends Rock On to the resounding renditions of the rotund Rigoletto recitalists.
8.15: This Is Your Wife.
Head injury victims are introduced to their spouses for the first time since major trauma claimed large parts of their frontal cerebral cortexes.
7.00: Santa's Secret.
Peep under the snow-white beard of the festive fella in this fly-on-the-wall documentary about his home life. See his battle with the bottle as all that sherry threatened to turn Santa into a reindeer-beater.
1.30 Castaway Diaries.
Short Czechoslovakian Post-Modernist Performance Artiste film about people throwing Personal Organisers off cliffs.
8.30: Ground Force Zero.
Cheers all round as our favourite green-fingered bods are rounded up and severely Nuked.

*12.30: Ground Force Zero Update.
Cameras are there when Charlie Dimmock and Alan Titmarch fall out.

7.30: Pokemon Gets Laid.
Following drunken festivities, our hero wakes up next to Nina Myskow.
1.45: The James Bombed Film Double Bill.
This year the premier of the festive, A QUEUE TO A TILL, followed by, YOUR MINCED PIES ONLY.
9.00: Deadenders.
Cockney wide-boy, VAT-evading, gobshites talk bollocks (without subtitles).
8.00: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup.
Delia Spliff surprises us once again with yet another collection of cramming things that don't twitch into her mouth.
5.30: You've Been Framed.
Ex-police officers from the Met' in a game of memory as they meet up with people they've stitched throughout the years and attempt to remember what crimes 'fitted' the faces.
9.30: She's Gotta Have It.
Cameras follow three Essex-girl slappers as they hunt for anything in trousers that isn't cyanose.
8.30: Dr. Shipman’s Phone-in Surgery.
Any Festive worries about health could be banished by calling in and hearing what the doc has to say about your aches and pains.
6.00: The Weakest Link.
Documentary about Jim Davidson's family tree.
10.00: Ally McBeal.
After being called a narrow-gutted, pencil-necked, anorexic, delusional slapper, Ally finally snaps. (Last in series).
9.00: Little Drummer Boys.
Two hours of unedited footage showing the dedication, humour and sadistic tendencies of staff on a turkey farm as they work double shifts to off enough fodder for our Christmas plates.
6.30: Barrymore's World Of Felching, Fondling and Fisting.
A festive, whirlwind, alliterative tour of cottages Michael has known.
11.00: After They Were Insignificant.
Anthropological interests abound as we see people clamouring and killing to be seen in front of the lens, then, months or years later, threatening to sue if cameras don't stop following them. Behaviour that only subsides in times of new singles/films/book releases.
11.00: Through The Keyhole.
Live surgery from various vasectomy clinics around the country. Tune in to see if you recognise any familiar faces.
7.00: Top Gear.
Liam Gallagher takes us on a whistlestop tour of designer drugs.
11.30: Giro-forging Masterclass.
Various illiterate and workshy Cockneys and Scousers (sorry about the multiple tautology, there) show ways of leeching off society and boasting about it, after learning to talk.
11.30: Xena: Checkout Warrior
Low budget series about the daily life of a small shopping mart till girl Amazon.
7.30: Sew Graham Norton.
Everyone's favourite comedian is stitched into a heavily weighted canvas sack and thrown from Tower Bridge
12.00: Meetings With Remarkable Trees.
After a Corporate Logo Strategy gathering, the trees branch out into the city. Leafing through the FTSE Index they decide to get floated before twigging they might bough out early. After an unsavoury incident in a pub, someone calls the copse.

 

PROGRAMMES MAY BE SUBJECT TO CHANGE

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